“Whether or not you know it, you are looking for two things. First, for things to change. Second, for everything to remain the same. You can only have one.” ~ Pete Bernard
I came across this post on Facebook by my Shaman teacher Pete Bernard and it got me thinking. This is definitely why I am stuck and struggle in certain areas of my life. As I was thinking about it the thought of a yo-yo popped into my head. Wow, I live my life as a yo-yo.
Ya a Yo-Yo, as in the the toy!
noun: a toy consisting of a pair of joined discs with a deep groove between them in which string is attached and wound, which can be spun alternately downward and upward by its weight and momentum as the string unwinds and rewinds.
I feel safe when I come back to the hand and scared when I’m let go. At times I do get courageous and put myself out there. I have been working on overcoming my fears, doubts, limiting beliefs by doing the very things that scare me and keep me stuck but I find myself easily retracing back to where I feel safe.
I struggle with my pattern of taking one step forward, three steps back. A large part of me recognizes this old pattern when it’s happening, and at the same time I realize it does not support my dreams and goals. I ask myself how can I evolve, grow, change, succeed and fulfill my dreams, if I keep running away back to that place where I believe I won’t get hurt.
Does retracting back up the string take more energy than rolling down it I wonder. It’s all my fears, doubts, worries, low self worth that propel me back up the string, but it’s the excitement of my potential, desires and dreams that encourage me ride down it.
So why do I keep wanting to return back up to that lovely hand? Is it my fear of fulfilling my potential, or a form of self care?
I guess for that moment it’s scary putting myself in the the unknown as I just hover there at the bottom of the string. Letting myself be seen, being vulnerable, taking a risk, believing in myself that makes me uncomfortable. I’ve come to realize I haven’t let myself travel down the string very often so perhaps I’m just not good at it yet. Is it a question of just practicing, building my spiritual strength? Is coming back up my way of resting and recuperating for my next journey down?
If yo-yoing resemble the ebb and flow of life, then when I stay in the hand longer than I do at the bottom of the string then I’m not in that flow. I’m not really a yo-yo anymore. Then it’s more of a question of creating Balance.
But thinking about what Pete says, “You can only have one.” So what are my options? I can create a few knots along the string preventing me from ever rolling down again, unusable and unplayable, no thank you that would be letting my wounds win. Or I can cut the string to never return to the safe hand. Is this the only way forwarding? To not be a yo-yo anymore.
LOL I’d just be a pair of joined wooden discs. Hmmm would that be so bad? I would be able to roll forward along a new path with nothing to pull me back. Now that’s interesting!
You hold me so close
Afraid to let me loose
Can’t you feel I want to go
To shed all that I know
As I fall I wonder where it will stop
As I move down I’m afraid of the drop
But as I hover and don’t spin
I can see everything that’s within
In that moment of stillness
I find and see my true likeness
But you pull me back up with a yank
A part of me reluctantly says thanks
As I climb quickly up away from this bliss
I have time to feel everything that I have missed
Now back in the so called safe place
I find it hard to pretend every things OK
Why don’t you cut me loose
What scares you so that you are unwilling to let go
You feel it’s easier to just put me away
And only pull me out when you are ready to play
Let’s cut the cord and start a fresh
We both know that it’s all for the best
The friendship we had wasn’t all that bad
I’ve learned so much with the time we had